This is their reality.

AND THIS IS NOT OKAY.

Lord, I found you amongst the heaps of trash.  I know you walked these steps by my side.  Scavengers were praising your name while washing their clothes in scrub basins.  Your face was plastered on the dingy walls.  You were there but many of your children were not. 

In the dark alleys your light was shining through. These people are fighting to live but no one was coming to their rescue.

"My eyes fail from weeping, I am torment within, my heart is poured out on the ground because my people are destroyed, because children and infants faint in the streets of the city." – Lamentations 2:11

 I gave my heart to worldly things long ago.  It robbed me of a child-like faith.  It should be my great honor to see the world through the eyes of Christ.  To look beyond the rags...  to look into the treasures only unveiled through the heart. The Lord has been calling me to open my eyes, get out of the way, and wipe away the smug covered lens I have been looking through.

Yes.

I still hunger and thirst for righteousness. As a daughter of a righteous King I have to fight the war against injustice daily. It is not about me at all.   God wants to use me as a vessel.  The Lord redeems us in our weakness so that we might see His great LIGHT.

 

 

 Is your lens foggy? 

To recap the night, I will share a little excerpt from my journal. 

Last night I felt weak. I felt trapped and it was terrifying.  I CAN'T LET THE CIRCUMSTANCES I AM IN RIGHT NOW CRIPPLE ME.  It has to be about me trusting the Lord regardless of where I am and being content in His love. 

I was letting FEAR smother me instead of confessing the TRUTH that FEAR IS NOT FROM GOD. Everything was distorted and twisted because of the stronghold on my mind. I was unable to see clearly because the TRUTH about the Kingdom and the goodness of God were blurred by lies. I could not grasp a clear vision.

 

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.  Point out anything in me that offends You, and lead me along the path of everlasting life."

Psalm 139: 23

 * Heera and Christy preparing curry!

Father, let me be bold and courageous for you.  I repent of being anxious about my surroundings.  I must continue to TRUST YOU and rest knowing I can't do this on my own.  I can't stand on my own two feet. God, I know I sometimes let fear paralyze me and I ask for forgiveness.

God, please build up my faith.   Rid me of my selfish thoughts and pride.

LET ME BE OVERCOME BY YOUR LOVE AND HAVE PEACE KNOWING MY MIND IS INCAPABLE OF FIGURING IT ALL OUT.

I kept wondering why battles and frustrations were not dealt with before I came on a pilgrimage where I would be the one sharing the gospel and proclaiming the name of Christ.

Were the truths I proclaim actually ones I believed or just "how to's" in life that had been engraved in my mind by others?   If I was going to live for the Lord I had better figure out more about who He is. Honestly, I was so frustrated to even struggle through this.  

 God, are you really faithful?

Do you really grant your children the desires of their hearts?

This mentality is that of a skeptic. An analytical part of my flesh that I find is revealed when everything around me is completely unfamiliar and uncomfortable.  When everything I felt I thought I knew seemed to fade away I quickly began to question.

God, are you really on my side?

This mentality is the part of my flesh that is full of judgment, control, and pride. The Lord desires for His children to be faithful on a wilderness journey even if we feel like He is not there.  There are not many times that I have had to fully trust the Lord in my life.  The first night I was in Oenpelli was one of them.  I struggled trusting where the Lord was taking me. I asked for it... HE ANSWERED, HE TOOK ME TO UNCOMFORTABLE PLACES AND IT WAS HARD.  I WAS NOT OKAY WITHOUT HIM. I kept saying I am not sure I am ready for this God. Laying on the floor, in a tick covered outstation, unable to breath, packed in with seven teammates and little to no air ventilation was rough to say the least. 

I LET FEAR CREEP IN AND IT GOT THE BEST OF ME.

 What have I gotten myself into?

18 days ago I landed in Oenpelli, in the Northern Territory of Australia. After days of logistical roadblocks, flooded streets, cars with snorkles, two 5-person planes, and many troopie (land cruiser) travels later, my team actually made it. During this adventure, an Aboriginal family that melted my heart and truly convicted me of how to live in real community adopted me.  I actually had a mob (family / friend / group) to call my own! 

The invitation was simple and casual.  It was presented to me by my now little Aboriginal sister, Tasma.

Tasma: Yes, she is and Johnny is your da da (Tasma smiled as she proudly introduced and held our baby brother in her arms.)

 

 I also met my auntie Corina and cousin Nathaniel.  It was hard not to compare these new additions to my family back home.

 

 

 How could I be so blessed to be welcomed into this close- knit circle?  God again revealed to me that He provides family everywhere.  No matter how far I am from home, the family of Christ is far grander than my mind can grasp.

 Their display of genuine affection started a whole process of me questioning my intentionality on how I give and receive love in life. 

 Do I love strangers well?  Do I love my family well? Do I really love like Christ?

You can imagine, this adoption process was not at all normal. Nothing was western about it. There was no paperwork, no background check, no hesitation, just a simple invitation by a cherished child of God to another.  After I excitedly accepted, I started to develop relationships with my new family.  I observed them, their lifestyle, and the way they love and interact with each other.  Nothing was hidden.  All was exposed for me to see. 

 I realized their reality was far different than what had been shown to me for the past 27 years.  Things that were easily escapable to me were not an option for them.  If I was frustrated with siblings growing up, you go into your room and close the door.  You give yourself some, "me time" and deal with it later.  Wow, my perception was so often distorted and quite selfish.

 For me, one house with 15+ people, from many generations, and little furniture is way too crowded.  To my new family it was a home and shelter for anyone that needed it. There was no entitlement. 

 Lesson learned: Real Community is messy yet beautiful.

Living an exposed life is not easy but it forces you to break down walls.  You have nowhere to run and hide. It's hard to escape. You have everything to learn.

"As members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful."

How are you living and loving today?

 I am en route to the Aussie Outback.

 And...I must confess when I watched the movie Australia; I absolutely fell in love with the sweet and precious Nullah.  I never thought I would be traveling to a world so similar to his a year or so later. 

 It seems my reality is starting to collide with things that I have only seen in the movies.  It is pretty wild.  I would have never imagined that the Lord would provide opportunities like this.  You probably wonder how I could ever doubt the goodness of God. 

 I am praising the Lord for using me in spite of myself and I am praying to fall deeply in love with Him in the wilderness of the Australian bush in the upcoming weeks.  He continues to capture my heart and intrigue me daily. So much about my creator is a great mystery to me and it keeps me enthralled and desiring to learn more.  

 The Lord is convicting me to go deep in His word this month and I am ready to battle the lies, fight and hunger for His word, and experience Him in mighty ways.  I want to be bombarded by the sufficiency of His grace.

 I am beginning to understand that loving the Lord is a lifelong commitment and it requires work daily.  God has already shown up. NOW, I HAVE TO!

Scripture tells us that we will find the Lord when we seek Him with all our heart.  Sometimes, I forget to give Him my whole heart and I just give him a portion. 

 That's not enough.

 I will look forward to sharing about this pilgrim-ish type journey with you when I return. Hopefully, I will have many stories to share of encounters with the Lord and meetings with "someone like Nullah."  

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

And I am a beautiful mess.

Me. Yes, a beautiful mess. I said it, quite the oxymoron.

I do not want to be a sob story or a weak person, so I hide behind walls until I feel safe.  So, from the outside...I seem okay. Truth is, I realize I have never acknowledged brokenness as a healthy place to be.  I have convinced myself it is acceptable for others to be broken and receive grace, but for some reason I don't allow myself to make the cut. Maybe being aware of this and confessing it verbally is another step towards freedom... a step in the right direction.

I keep asking the Lord, what am I doing here?  Why are you calling me and using me, when I am a wreck.  When I am fragile...  maybe He knows it is the only way I will grow.  He has to transform me from the inside out. He wants me to know I can't do this on my own.  I can't save a broken world, when I am crumbling. I can't be free when I listen to lies.

 For a long time, band-aids have patched up my wounds.  These bandages have been only temporary fixes. Temporary fixes that work for a short time. I am done settling with the patches and I have come to a place of desperation for the Lord.  I am calling out to Him – seeking His intimacy, desiring for my cracks to be filled with more of Him and less of me. I desire to discover this on my own instead of listening to what everyone else says about His love, I am stubborn like that.

 I have never fully understood inner healing.  I can tell someone else to let the Lord be the lover of their soul, but struggle believing it myself.

 Honestly, true healing will have to start from the inside out. I have been putting it off for a long time because I do not want to go through the process.  God is saying, now is the time. Stop putting it off. This is the most important thing.

 I thought most of my mess was behind me. No, still some work to do! I am sick and tired of being a victim of my own distorted lies. These lies are like flies that consume my mind, swarm around me and pollute the great plans He has in store for my life.  I block out His voice and have a victimized mentality.  It is a sick cycle.

I am not destined to be a victim.

 What lies do I hear? 

 You are not worthy.  You are not accepted. You are quiet. You are shy. You are timid.  You are anxious.     You are unlovable.  You will always be alone. You are not enough.  You are a disappointment.  You are never enough. You are second choice.  You are rejected. You are not acceptable.

 God wants me to replace each of these lies with His TRUTH. God knows I am stubborn.  It takes a lot for me to get it.  Last night, I was lying with my face on the floor, by the altar... desperately needing to hear Him.  I didn't hear Him...  instead, in His sanctuary, His holy temple... He didn't tell me – He showed me that my lies are like dead flies.    He literally showed me... a dead fly.

Really, Lord?  Really? 

 I think I get it. See I am a visual person, God had to show me a visual for me to understand. He said what I am listening to is warped and it is consuming my mind. My twisted lies will keep me lifeless and death will overcome, but His TRUTH alone will bring me life and set me free. So, I confess this cycle of destruction has been a part of me for far too long.

 Who has formed these lies?

 Mostly, I have.

When you tell yourself something long enough, you start to believe it.  I am not surprised that the Lord is calling me to be vulnerable and transparent before you. It's exactly what I have asked for. As I share this - I am uncomfortable.

 My prayer is I would become raw with my community.  I pray I would not filter my thoughts and stay in a safe place. This safe place is where I have victimized myself for a long time and it isn't doing me any good... it's more like a cop-out because facing the lies and discovering the truth might actually be a process.

A process that seems somewhat daunting, but it has to be worth it.

Starting over again... taking baby steps is something I want to rush through.   It is challenging my patience to have to walk this out daily. It is time start listening to the truth about who I am in Christ and stop the cycle of self- doubt and insecurity.

I will start with three.

I am the daughter of a King.  I am loveable.  I am acceptable.

God is taking me to the wilderness, the bush, in Owenpelli, Australia, in a few days... to spend some more time with Him, a place where I can be raw and vulnerable in a community... obviously, it is still very needed. I believe this will be a place where I will hunger and thirst for Him more...

 I pray He will speak clearly and I will listen and believe what He says is true.    

I desire to be TRANSFORMED FOREVER.  Not temporally, but eternally.

Transparency and exposure are not safe.  It is not easy.  It's real hard.

 But, I desire more of it!

What I might call, a never-ending bucket list... is it ever attainable?

Honestly, the mindset of living for what's next can become exhausting. So, I have been challenged to, embrace the now.

 I desire to live in the now... embrace the moments, build real relationships, and experience true community.

 The Kingdom of heaven is now.

 

 

I can promise you this.... it's never expected and always 1000 times better than what you could come up with.

The "ends of the earth" is where I live these days... really, how did I end up in the breathtaking Waikanae, New Zealand? After an eleven- hour bus ride last Saturday, my team (3:17) as well as team Komboa and Trumpets of One arrived to Waikanae and were instantly greeted by the amazingly generous and kind El Rancho staff and their families.  El Rancho is a Christian Camp (Kiwis refer to it as a "Holiday Park") that reaches out to children ages 9 -12 and presents the gospel to them in unique ways. El Rancho will be my home until the end of the month.  I am super pumped... who wouldn't be  - the camp name is completely "sweet as." *

  I have some favorites... I know I shouldn't ... but I can't help that I do, come on... look at their faces!

Luke.                                            Dillon.

I have been multi-tasking this week, serving as a camp instructor, teaching archery, rifles (WOW...), and assisting with some janitorial and kitchen duties!!!

Please pray for eager hearts and renewed energy for our teams serving here!

The Kiwis pick on us for saying "awesome" ... they spell it awh– some! Wow, I thought I was from the city.  Definitely, considered a country bumpkin here! Kids ask me everyday, "Are you from America? We like your accent!"

 I will be instructing rifles today... so pray, my demos for the kids are safe --- yea, me and rifles... who gets to do this kind of stuff?!?

 I do.  Very blessed.

The open-air dining room in Crystal Springs, New Zealand is a peaceful place where words seem to stir your soul...

The words stirring mine are: why, wait, and wonder.

At twenty-seven years, old I am much like a child.  I never tire of asking, "Why?" That question never seems to get old.  In a generation driven by a quick fix for everything, I am learning that waiting requires patience. 

Maybe the Lord wants me to rest knowing that instant gratification is not what I need right now. This is a hard lesson to learn.  I am discovering it is better to know the true character of God than to have all the answers.

If I am living my life in search of only answers,than I might continue missing all the beautiful moments.

As I ask why... I wait and I wonder.  Do I hear His voice?

Sometimes God doesn't always explain things to us.  I should not demand the creator of the universe to answer all my "whys" instantaneously.   Part of the great mystery of creation is that we do not always understand. 

Being scared about the unknown or the unanswered

 does not require any courage.

Being willing to venture into the unknown requires tremendous faith.

 I feel like I can relate to Job. When everything seems to be stripped away, we must recognize that God is all we have.  I must remember that in all the pain, in all the questions... this life is not my final destiny.  

The Lord spoke to me through these words the last few days:

I made her in such a way.

That she would need me.

I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be...

 Only because I need her to depend on Me.

I know her heart, I know if I had not made her like this,

She would go her own way and forget me... her Creator.

Are you seeking the unanswered and missing all the sweet moments?

I have been.

 

Today, I see the beauty of the mountains and I feel the breeze rushing briskly and I know God is healing my soul and mind.

He loves me in my weakness and covers my heart daily.

I am FREE to walk with Him.